Dealing with memories, the past. Delete, delete. Make new. Make lost even more lost.
New > Lost
I really wanna die.
If I don’t see Alan this weekend, I’m going to fucking snap.
Fuck. I need him, jesus hell.
My head is throbbing so badly, I hate being sick and never getting better; ever.
And, I need to get more of this fucking stupid shit work done before tomorrow just so these teachers will shut their pretty little lipsticked mouths about me~
I want all of them to burn~~
I want the students to burn, I want most of my family to burn right now, I want my “friends” to burn, BURN THEM ALL. Hell, burn everyone! I’m sick of human beings and their pathetic attempts at UNDERSTANDING and LOVE and CARING. I am a REALLY caring, loving, and understanding person on the inside, and I once was just like “a little angel”. But I am beyond fed up. I’m way too far gone to keep listening to this crap.
I’m SO FUCKING FED UP, OKAY?!
I’m so fed. up.
Yeah, Alan’s not the best choice to go to right now, but what else do I got, huh? That’s right; nothing.
:l I NEED emotional help, right now. Right away.
I’m seriously scared of myself. I’m scared of the world.
…See, you’ve always crushed girls. I remember when you crushed me..
It’s a shame, really. I was good back then, you would have had a good partner, but I was never good enough, not for anyone else either.
Yes, NOW people claim they want me, left and right. I push THEM down, say no. Always say no. Nothing’s going to work. Nothing. Not ever. It always ends up for nothing.
I feel bad but……
There’s a lot of fault. Mostly on me, for different reasons, but I can’t stop thinking back to those times before I was destroyed: I was just completely innocent and willing to give my heart away to that one person I had my loving gaze on.
Haha, I’m a mess. Everything’s a mess.
Just like everything: you fade with it.
For the past few days, everything’s been such a blurr. Too much going on, euughh. Can’t. Write.
So…I want to kind of write a suicide note as a goodbye and finally give up and quit and stop being tired. Put out to death..
I want to rest.
I don’t want to be me anymore.
I’m not that important anyway. I’m not smart, I’m not strong, I’m not healthy, I’m not a good person, I’m not going to do anything spectacular in life, I’m not a liability. I’m not necessarily needed, and all the people who think they need me right now WILL move on, and be happier in their lives. They WILL forget.
Yes, all of THIS CRAP is stuck in my head. THIS is what I truly think of myself and my life.
I want to go in the shower and stab myself with scissors so I bleed to death. Or hang myself in my closet.
I just…can’t take this anymore..
I can’t be this anymore. I can’t live this anymore. I want OUT. Right now. Right now.
I just wanna get outta here, dammit.
Fucking get me out of here.
I’m just attracted to dangerous/”badass” people. I don’t fucking know why. I just am. In that sense, I’m stupid.
It’s like I asked for trouble those times. Just completely ignoring it, pretending you were NOT, like, a fucking sadist asshole, or whatever.
But I’m not stupid because I knew it all along. I’m people-smart. I know things.
Doesn’t really matter in the end though.
You fucked me up pretty bad.
What would be even more stupid: to let you in again.
Wow, what a mess I’d create for myself. All.over.again.